Thanks and Giving
On our most recent trip to Texas, I found myself in a car with my mother-in-law— twisting our way through the back roads of a hill country so vast and deep it seemed we should have been on the lookout for wild javelina and the shiny, keeled scales of snakes stretching their way across the road. The low rise and twist of cedar scrubs and live oak gave way to the slump of creek beds where cattle gained respite standing and unmoving in the wind-shifting shade where we drove.
We were delivering meals. This is something my mother-in-law does often and thankfully; driving the remoteness of Texas back roads so frequently, I feel she could take on each curve of the road with her eyes shut.
Our first stop was a mobile home owned by a gleeful woman in her eighties named Grace. Grace welcomes her company with all the warmth of the South and has a smile on her face unaffected by her inability to care for things like she used to. She is surrounded by photographs and items of her youth and her face looks younger than her years. She hangs onto conversation like thirst to water, and the silence is concrete when we leave.
There is an old bull rider who lives in a cozy ranch house of stone lived in by generations of cowboys. Its yard is a scene right out of Eight Seconds where Luke Perry and his lady get married under the suspended white string of lights swinging from the oversized pergola in the Texas breeze. There is a cove of Live Oaks like genealogists surrounding the house—they cast tricky, moveable shadows with the darting sun.
Several miles downwind, there is another ranch made of stone and its inhabitant a bent and thoughtful octogenarian who chronicles every whitetail buck he can see from his kitchen window. And like Grace whose face has yet to catch up, Maurice’s neat, upright print mismatches his age. He is still sharp and feisty and proud and amused by the life around him. He accepts the meal delivery most likely because of what comes with it. He shares his delight at the wild turkeys roaming his yard and has fashioned a gun stand on his kitchen counter directed towards its only window. He also cares for his ailing wife who rests without sound in a back room. And like the others when we leave, there is a silence that is concrete.
Last but not least, my mother-in-law delivers meals to a man named Joe. He anticipates her arrival by pulling a trolley (with which to carry his delivered food) down to the front of his driveway and he sits peacefully in a chair to wait for her. His big dogs idle in the shade; their apathy suggesting familiarity with their visitor. Joe wears ironed overalls and tucks what I’ve heard to be his long, wispy hair under his baseball cap. He has lived a long life, yet there is a quality about him that suggests innocence and purity. There is not much of a house where he hangs his hat, and so I think he must love that chair at the end of his driveway looking out over the space of the road and the trees and the wild. When Joe talks of race cars, his eyes explode with weightlessness as if he is the one soaring around chicanes as the crowd cheers him on. The sound of Joe pulling that trolley slowly up the driveway and out of our sight as we leave, is a heavy loneliness.
This Holiday season, I will inspire my children with the service of their grandmother. Grace and the Bull Rider, Maurice and Joe, will all make their way from the desolate backroads of Texas and take their seat at our Holiday table. In their spirit, we will seek out that sound of stillness and need, and pay it forward where and when we can.
To those who put smiles on the faces of the elderly; to those who give purpose to anyone in need no matter the season: thank you for reminding us of what it means to be human.
Daughter
A Friendship is Born
My youngest son and I took a long weekend to visit his cousins. One of them is only five weeks old. Holding him makes me feel like if I could never eat another piece of chocolate for the rest of my life, I would be okay. And then there’s Nicholas. He stopped by on his way back to his homeland of Ireland, where the mist curls his hair and the rain flushes his perfect little cheeks.
At first, Nicholas and Byron had to test the waters a bit–mark their territory, bump trucks into walls, throw food, rip their shirts off and stare each other down….
But then, something special started to happen.
They bonded over their love of popsicles.
Then, they discovered that they both like speed; things that can spin you around and bounce you up and down…
They started holding hands.
And sharing private jokes.
And genuinely enjoying each other’s company.
Emboldened by their friendship, they carried their smiles like birthmarks.
Like cousins.
Like true friends.
Fall
The day has come
when it is down to just one.
The stroller is light and I push the simple boy of my likeness
through the golden grasses
of a season unsurpassed.
His head turns from side to side
consuming the prairie dogs and the far off coyote.
We break to hear the notes of the creek,
hold our breath for sounds that cannot be imitated
even through the most sincere efforts of technology.
And this, the simple boy seems to know.
Funny how the day has come
when it is down to one
and the lighter stroller is not easier to push.
Soon
I will run alone.
And there will be no uncomplicated fervor for the seasons–
No little partner endorsing the intonations of creeks
and wind
and newness of life in the prairie.
And I will be forced
through memories of their transience
to see it through my own eyes
again.
Autumn
Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting and autumn a mosaic of them all.
―Stanley Horowitz
Tragedy in Colorado
While you were hating yourself,
my daughter had a cut-out dress that she decided to make into her Christmas outfit.
It had a gap in the top, so she fashioned to sew it with the only sewing string we have: sanguine and brilliant against the white sheet she formed over her body with a rudimentary belt.
She was careful with the needle as she wove it in and out and between the fabric–
so close to the bone-white virtuosity of her skin.
This is the first dress I have ever made
She was proud and swaying with the movement of the cloth,
fingering her long-standing loose tooth and looking down at her handi-work.
Her brothers stood around her in awe of what two hands can do; their wheels were turning.
And the little blue handles of their kid-safe scissors emerged so that
twenty minutes from that moment, they too could share their own creations:
a melee of scraps and un-useables into something that defined them,
while you were hating yourself.
And I am just so sorry,
that you have never known this kind of love.
Storm
I think there’s a poet who wrote once a tragedy by Shakespeare, a symphony by Beethoven and a thunderstorm are based on the same elements. I think that’s a beautiful line.
Maximilian Schell
Paradise
We sit together, the mountain and me, until only the mountain remains.
Li Po